If there is one book every parent should read, I don’t think it’s anything about gestational development, “What to Expect,” or any of the other traditional parenting books out there. Instead, I think it’s a revolutionary book written by child advocate Alfie Kohn entitled Unconditional Parenting. Whereas most traditional books focus on getting your kid to do what you want—automatically assuming that what you want is immediately what is needed, discounting anything a child might need or, daresay, desire—Unconditional Parenting instead focuses on how to meet children’s needs and desires, the importance of loving them no matter what and no matter who they are (which includes no matter what grades they make), and how to be a truly loving parent.

Basically, instead of finding out how to get kids to do what they’re told, Kohn approaches parenting in an entirely different, more healthful way—what do our children need, and how do we meet those needs?

Don’t mistake the book for a self-help, how-to tome, however; it’s not. In fact, much of the book is research presented to show us an alternative side to parenting that we simply do not consider. The concept of how to work with children instead of doing things to them will be a foreign concept to many parents. Many parents also believe that praise and rewards are great for kids, when Kohn demonstrates how they—along with grading systems—can actually be detrimental to kids as well as the adults they become. Punishments—even time-outs—too are detrimental; Kohn explains why, as well as what we can do instead.

Rather than loving our kids because they’re honor students or athletes or any other kind of prodigy, Kohn shows how important it is for our kids to have one of their most important basic needs—to be loved unconditionally, no matter what they do or who they are—met by their caretakers. Kohn also provides plenty of benefits to this approach, as well as studies, testimonials, and facts to show us just how important it is. And when I say meeting children’s desires, I definitely am not referring to the latest pair of sneakers or video game; I’m talking about true wants and needs that we normally dismiss out of convenience—say, we just don’t feel like cleaning up the moonsand, or we’d rather watch a sitcom than read another book.

That said, there are plenty of techniques included in the text to help parents along the way. But the point of the book is not to provide step A to meet behavior C. The point is to show us a new way of looking at things—a very important approach to keep our children safe, healthy, and loved—as well as several questions we should regularly ask ourselves in our day-to-day parenting. Will it make us perfect? Absolutely not! Nothing will do that. But it will help to make parents aware of what they say and do to—as well as with—their children, provide some ideas and alternatives for a richer, unconditional connection that children not just crave but truly need from their parents, and help spawn a humane movement of parents across the globe who simply aren’t okay with doing things to their kids all of the time.